


Littler Jiggolo

by Slenderlock



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Hamish is hella gay, M/M, Parentlock, they swear a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-24
Updated: 2014-07-24
Packaged: 2018-02-10 05:20:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2012490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slenderlock/pseuds/Slenderlock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hamish and Rose have a conversation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Littler Jiggolo

Hey. HWH

Hey Rose. HWH

Rose. HWH

**What do you want? RMM**

You know what the only thing worse than finding lube in your parents’ bedside table is? HWH

Finding an empty bottle. HWH

**Oh my god Hamish ew ew ew ew RMM**

**Why are you telling me this RMM**

**HAMISH EW RMM**

**Okay just be glad you never walked in on them RMM**

I can’t look either of them in the face WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT HWH

That is not helpful. HWH

In the slightest. HWH

**Maybe you can start looking forward to having a little brother around RMM**

You are disgusting. HWH

I’m traumatized, here, Rose. HWH

Really, I am. HWH

**What, you’re traumatized? That’s nothing. RMM**

**One time I found an unopened condom in my aunt’s drawer. RMM**

**And then when I told my cousin she looked and found an EMPTY WRAPPER. RMM**

Your aunt? HWH

You mean the million year old one? HWH

Oh my god that is so gross HWH

But at least you don’t have to LIVE WITH HER EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE. HWH

**She’s living through more action than I am! RMM**

Nope. I win. I win a million times over. HWH

You are SIXTEEN. HWH

**So what? My lady parts whisper things to me at night. I’m ready. RMM**

Yeah you’re not making a good case for yourself HWH

**Shut UP Hamish RMM**

**Okay how about this for revenge make em find a sex toy of yours RMM**

Are you serious? HWH

They’d take it away! HWH

Do you know how long I had to save up for that thing? HWH

MONTHS. HWH

**What oh my god you actually have one RMM**

**DISGUSTING RMM**

Oh fuck you HWH

**I CANNOT BELIEVE MY LIFE RMM**

I thought you talked to Violet! HWH

Seriously though they’re fucking expensive HWH

**I CAN’T FUCKING BREATHE RMM**

But so, so worth it. HWH

**ew oh my god Hamish no please RMM**

I’d recommend investing. HWH

**You can lend me yours RMM**

**HA RMM**

**Wait no stop that’s disgusting forget it RMM**

It’s out of batteries anyway HWH

And I can’t just ask for batteries. HWH

**If you go, you go hard, huh? RMM**

“Oh hey dad can you pick up some batteries on the way home?” HWH

“Sure why do you need them” HWH

“Oh… for my clock” HWH

That happened once. HWH

**I thought it said ‘cock’ jfc RMM**

It would make an equally accurate sentence. HWH

**True true. Hey I can get you some batteries if you really need em. RMM**

They’re not exactly free. HWH

**Wisdom of life, mate. I have money. RMM**

I don’t. HWH

**It’s how my dads show their love. Money. RMM**

**No need to pay me back. I love investing in your pleasure. RMM**

That’s gross. HWH

I accept. HWH

**So are you. RMM**

**Hey you want me to get you another toy too RMM**

Rose nO HWH

You are sixTEEN HWH

**Sheesh just trying to be a good friend RMM**

You are gross. That is what you are. HWH

Gross. HWH

Gross. HWH

Gross. HWH

**Says the only one between the two of us that actually owns a sex toy. RMM**

I came here looking for comfort in a troubling time and this is what I get. HWH

**Well at least I’m trying to be helpful RMM**

ARE YOU? HWH

MY PARENTS ARE STILL FUCKING I DIDN’T THINK THEY STILL DID THAT I CAN’T LOOK EITHER OF THEM IN THE EYE AGAIN AND NOW MY LIFE IS COMPLETELY OVER HWH

AND YOU’RE OFFERING ME HWH

FUCKING BATTERIES HWH

LITEREALLY FUCKING BATTERIES HWH

**OH WELL FUCK YOU TOO I HOPE YOUR DADS WALK IN ON YOU RMM**

SEE YOU’RE GROSS HWH

**And you’re an ungrateful child. RMM**

Oh, yeah, I should be real grateful. HWH

Grateful that my parents didn’t fucking pick up after themselves. HWH

**You’re a weak little bitch. RMM**

So are you. HWH

Except you’re weaker. HWH

And bitchier. HWH

So there. HWH

**EXCUSE YOU RMM**

Excuse you. HWH

**I’m not the one whining about my dad’s lube like okay I have literally walked in on my parents before and I am alive offering you my services okay I SURVIVED. RMM**

**Now take it back, arsecrack. RMM**

See you’re bitchier HWH

**Okay next time I see you I’m gonna shove that dildo of yours so far up your ass you’re gonna puke it out RMM**

**So shut the fuck up RMM**

Ain’t a dildo, sweetheart. HWH

**Oh, jesus. RMM**

**One of those vibrating things? RMM**

**What are you doing to your body? RMM**

Washing it. A lot. HWH

And you’re halfway there with your guessing. HWH

**What is it, a collar or something? RMM**

I’m not answering anything else you guess. HWH

**Tell me. RMM**

**I’m getting you batteries for the damn thing, I deserve to know. RMM**

No you don’t HWH

**Are you ashamed that I’m getting you batteries RMM**

**You have a lot to be ashamed of mister, reread the conversation RMM**

There’s a lot my parents should be ashamed of. HWH

**The toy, Hamish. RMM**

**Tell me. RMM**

Shut uP HWH

**NEVER. RMM**

**What is it RMM**

**What is it RMM**

**What is it RMM**

Shut up or I’ll tell you something about one of your dads that I know for a fact is true. HWH

**I won’t be surprised. RMM**

Oh look you shut up. HWH

**FUCKING TELL ME RMM**

My dad and your dad fucked once and it involved an apple and it was gross I hope you’re fucking happy HWH

**??????? NOT THAT???? RMM**

**YOUR TOY you stupid bastard jesus fuck now I have to wash my eyes out with ACID RMM**

I TOLD YOU IF YOU DIDN’T SHUT UP ABOUT IT I’D TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT ONE OF YOUR DADS SO I DID HWH

**HAMISH TELL ME I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL TAPE YOUR PARENTS FUCKING AND SEND IT TO YOU RMM**

Okay now you’ve wandered out of the realm of reality I think I’m safe from your threats HWH

I’ll send you an apple for your birthday. HWH

Every. HWH

Single. HWH

Year. HWH

**You motherfucker. RMM**

With all due respect, that title is literally impossible for me to hold. HWH

And by “all due respect”, I of course mean none. HWH

**You can be a motherfucker if you fuck your future wife that gets to have babies. RMM**

Who says I’m having a future wife? HWH

**I’m gasping. RMM**

**Imagine a gasp that can be transferred over by a text. RMM**

**That is this text. RMM**

**And I was so close to offering up my special services. RMM**

Yeah no HWH

**Why do you have to disappoint me Hamish RMM**

**Every single time RMM**

Uh huh HWH

**You up for guys, hmm? RMM**

That is not what I meant oh my jesus christ shut up HWH

Wait you have two dads HWH

Riiiiight HWH

**Oh good that means you’re still on the market RMM**

Fuck you HWH

**What are you trying to say by that huh? You crushing on my dads? RMM**

What the hell Rose HWH

What the hell HWH

**I could ask you the same, lecher. RMM**

**Disgusting. RMM**

What does that even MEAN HWH

**IT MEANS YOU’RE A DISGUSTING PIECE OFF POO THAT REEKS OFF SEX RMM**

Okay HWH

1\. Fuck you. HWH

2\. It’s “of”, not “off”. HWH

3\. Fuck you. HWH

But hey at least you used the right “they’re”. HWH

**Did you just RMM**

**Correct my grammar RMM**

You bet your ass I did. HWH

**Fuck you okay don’t even text me, goodbye RMM**

Make sure they’re triple A batteries! HWH

**Oh go and work for the money to buy your damn batteries. RMM**

You promised me batteries, woman HWH

**WOMAN okay that is it I’m coming to your house I’m gonna kill you RMM**

**Run, bitch RMM**

IT WAS AN EXPRESSION HWH

**Run, cocksucker, you’re dead RMM**

Oh, that’s a nice thing to call someone. HWH

**You disrespectful dick, I didn’t excpect you to be such a twisted fuck. RMM**

1\. Fuck you. HWH

2\. It’s “expect”. HWH

3\. Fuck you. HWH

**Dead. RMM**

**Start digging your own grave. RMM**

**Await me with a cup of tea. RMM**

Earl Grey? HWH

**Green. No suggar. No honey. No milk. RMM**

1\. Fuck you. HWH

2\. It’s “sugar”. HWH

**NO. RMM**

3\. Sure. HWH

I’m only trying to help educate you. HWH

**I’m texting your dads that you need some batteries for your sex toy and that you wanted me to buy them but you were a dick so I won’t RMM**

FUCK YOU HWH

OH MY GOD FUCK YOU HWH

IN THE ASS HWH

WITH A FUCKIN APPLE HWH

**Not before one of your dads will. RMM**

**I warned you. RMM**

FUCK HWH

YOU HWH

**I am the danger, bitch RMM**

FUCK YOU THAT’S IT HWH

YOU’RE DEAD HWH

**You wish RMM**

NO I REALLY DON’T HWH

**You’re gonna die before I do. RMM**

**I can just see your face turning red as the apple your dad shoved into his hole RMM**

Wrong dad HWH

**Nah your dad takes it in the ass not mine RMM**

**Not that one I mean RMM**

Now I can say “your dad shoved an apple up his butt HWH

Eh, worth a shot. 50 50 chance, right? HWH

**Just tape that scenario when your dads come home RMM**

Fuck that HWH

I’m leaving. HWH

Thanks to you, shithead HWH

**Want to come over? RMM**

NO HWH

**You sure? RMM**

I’ll just go to my uncle’s. HWH

**Sure, sweetheart. RMM**

Don’t call me that. HWH

Did you actually just call me that HWH

You’re weird HWH

Okay did you actually send that text HWH

**What text RMM**

To my parents you dick HWH

**What text to your parents? RMM**

Did you send it or not you little fucker HWH

**What text, Mish? RMM**

Fuck you HWH

Fine HWH

I’ll tell you what I’ve got if you don’t send that text HWH

**Go ahead. RMM**

I don’t have any way to get proof from you, though. HWH

**You’re playing with fire, dear. In the end it depends on how amused I am. RMM**

Oh fuck you HWH

**Tell me, precious. RMM**

Stop it with the pet names HWH

**Okay, fuckface. RMM**

Slightly better. HWH

**Tell me. RMM**

Rose. HWH

It’s a vibrator that’s shaped exactly like you so that I can stuff you in my ass and shit you out whenever I feel like it HWH

**I was close, then. RMM**

It even has a little speaker. HWH

And it says things. HWH

Like “I don’t know how to not be an asshole, better stuff me in yours” HWH

**Not bad. RMM**

**I’m glad I can please you, hun. RMM**

Okay you know what HWH

The difference between you and me is that even though I can be full of shit, it’s natural and I get rid of it periodically. But you- no, you are just covered in shit. And no matter how hard you wash you will never get it out. HWH

Never. HWH

**You can start crying, then. It’ll make you pee less. RMM**

I will pee on all the things you eat. HWH

**Good thing I don’t eat. RMM**

**You want to tell me what it actually is now or? RMM**

I told you. HWH

I’m one hundred percent serious. HWH

**Nice. I like your choice. RMM**

Fuck you. HWH

**I probably will. RMM**

Gross. HWH

Girls are weird. HWH

**Says the one who has a sex toy RMM**

**Oh god, right. RMM**

**Girls are so weird. RMM**

**With their existence RMM**

Sex toys aren’t gross if they’re yours. HWH

**Hamish that doesn’t make any sense RMM**

Not yours as in yours HWH

Yours as in belonging to you in an individual sense. Not “you” as in Rose, “you” as in the speaker. HWH

Fuck. HWH

**You fucked up, my little friend. RMM**

I am not little. HWH

I am a year and a half older than you. HWH

**I’m talking about what’s in your pants. RMM**

In that case I’m definitely not littler that you. HWH

**Littler. RMM**

Shut up that’s totally a word HWH

**Uh huh RMM**

It’s the comparative adjective of “little”. HWH

**It’s still incorrect. RMM**

**You suck. RMM**

IT IS NOT. HWH

**It is. RMM**

It’s a perfectly valid word. HWH

**Nah, you suck. RMM**

**Dicks. RMM**

All of them. HWH

**That’s my boy. RMM**

I’m not your anything. HWH

**Of course you’re not, love. RMM**

Stop it. HWH

**Whatever you say, honey. RMM**

You cock sucking ass fucking bitch HWH

**Oh yeah slut shaming here we go RMM**

**God you’re a fucking gigolo RMM**

I’m not slut shaming oh my god HWH

What the fuck is a gigolo HWH

Is that the same thing as a jiggolo? HWH

**Are you serious RMM**

Or is that just how it’s spelled HWH

**A gigolo is a male whore RMM**

Yeah a jiggolo HWH

**Littler jiggolo RMM**

What the fuck ever who gives a shit HWH

**You do RMM**

Yeah on your face HWH

**Is that one of your kinks? RMM**

**Gross. But I must accept that there are people out there who like that RMM**

Yeah, you. HWH

**Go away that’s gross I’m not into that RMM**

Hey some people like it HWH

**You have a kink? RMM**

What no HWH

You? HWH

**I like bondage RMM**

WHAT HWH

**Not that kind you weirdo no like just RMM**

**Being held down? The idea of it is just oh my god how do you not find that arousing RMM**

Because I don’t? HWH

Yeah imagine your dad asking you why you don’t like apples shoved up your butt people have different kinks SURPRISE HWH

**But like if you’re in charge you can make the other person suffer it’s so nice RMM**

You truly are your father’s son. HWH

Daughter. HWH

Whatever. HWH

**No no hold up RMM**

**It’s like teasing, but really tough teasing RMM**

I’m not seeing it as anything stop talking STOP HWH

“Technically we’re typing not talking” yeah yeah fuck you HWH

**Like while one person is tied down you can touch him and as badly as he wants to touch you he can’t like isn’t that nice? RMM**

I AM TURNING MY PHONE OFF HWH

**Really Hamish RMM**

**Really RMM**

**God fine okay I’ll stop RMM**

Thank Christ HWH

**But don’t you think it’s nice don’t lie to me I know you do RMM**

You like apples up your butt HWH

DON’T LIE TO ME HWH

**I must admit that getting something stuffed up my butt scares me greatly RMM**

**Actually Anal is bad because it results in pain and the muscles can tear apart RMM**

Oh wow okay you grew the fuck up HWH

Wait nevermind HWH

Why’d you capitalize “anal” HWH

**Because I needed you to look at it RMM**

Because it’s the god of all kinds of sex HWH

Because it’s the best HWH

Ha, you don’t have a prostate HWH

**Of course, men take most of the pleasure in anal RMM**

That’s why you gotta have two men HWH

**See like I said RMM**

**You’re gay RMM**

And HWH

Your point is HWH

**You said you weren’t oh my god that’s what I meant and you denied it RMM**

YEAH I LIKE DICKS HWH

SURPRISE HWH

**Hamish really RMM**

Really HWH

**I bet you like lady gaga RMM**

Only a couple songs HWH

**Taylor swift? RMM**

NO. HWH

**ABBA? RMM**

I hate you RMM

**You’re so gay I breathe it RMM**

Shut up I will listen to my Swedish pop group music if I want to HWH

**Sure thing, my maximum pigmented friend RMM**

What does that EVEN MEAN ROSE HWH

**Hey you need a stripper name RMM**

What HWH

Literally what HWH

**You’re hella gay you need a stripper name RMM**

You know what no I’m not even going to question it anymore HWH

**Littler Jiggolo RMM**

What HWH

No HWH

You’re applebutt HWH

**Call me peachybutt and I’ll love you RMM**

Apple Arse HWH

That’s your stripper name HWH

**Are you serious okay I’m into it RMM**

Yes you are HWH

Hey fun fact apples are swollen plant ovaries  HWH

**One of our dads had that in their butts I hope they know about that fact RMM**

**EW GROSS WE EAT APPLES RMM**

**I JUST REMEMBERED RMM**

Haha AppleArse did you even take simple biology HWH

**Littler Jiggolo never attended English class, I believe RMM**

Excuse you who’s the one who’s had to correct your grammar like 23048734283 times? HWH

Technically your spelling HWH

Because it SUCKS HWH

**Chill mate it was like four times RMM**

**YOU SUCK RMM**

YES I DO HWH

**YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE SUCKS RMM**

WHAT HWH

**I literally don’t have a witty response to that I am ashamed RMM**

You know what else sucks? HWH

LITERALLY BOTH YOUR PARENTS HWH

And mine actually HWH

Fuck that doesn’t work HWH

**You fucked yourself RMM**

That was ONE TIME HWH

**One time? RMM**

Jesus Christ I was joking HWH

**You’re disgusting RMM**

Do you mean like masturbation because uh HWH

**No I mean you fuck yourself where you do the thing with putting your fingers in the youknowwhere and yeah RMM**

uH HWH

**That’s a yes, then? RMM**

You can’t type the word “butthole” so you chose to write something five characters longer are you serious right now HWH

**Absolutely. RMM**

**You’re a butthole. RMM**

And proud of it. HWH

Buttholes are great HWH

If you want to insult someone don’t call them a butthole HWH

Call them an unprepared butthole HWH

Because that is the worst HWH

**I’ll keep that in mind RMM**

You should get that tattooed. HWH

Unprepared AppleArse HWH

**Then you have to get “Unprepared littler jiggolo” and I’m tattooing it on you RMM**

You have to find me a boyfriend first HWH

**Deal RMM**

**I hope he likes it RMM**

**Hey you should come over RMM**

What why HWH

**I can make waffles RMM**

**You want waffles RMM**

Pfft sure HWH

**The fuck you “pfft”ing for? RMM**

It wasn’t a laugh it was like HWH

A sound of indifference HWH

Like pfft yeah sure I’d like some waffles HWH

Park the waffle truck in front of me HWH

**You’re an asscheek RMM**

**Fine no waffles for you RMM**

You’re an apple buttcrack HWH

What no you make the best waffles RM

**Kiss my ass fucktruck RMM**

Thanks but no thanks HWH

**You wouldn’t kiss my ass RMM**

Ew no I wouldn’t kiss your ass HWH

If you’re not making waffles then I’m not coming over HWH

**Fine RMM**

**You can have half a waffle RMM**

ROSE NO HWH

The fuck is your problemb RMM

1\. Fuck you HWH

**Really RMM**

2\. It’s “problem” HWH

**Are all of our conversations going to be like this RMM**

3\. Fuck you HWH

**Because if they are then I’m gonna have to reconsider our friendship. RMM**

I CAN SPEAK ENGLISH HWH

**No comment RMM**

**Are you coming over or what RMM**

Jesus calm down I can’t just teleport to your house instantaneously okay HWH

**Whatever nerd RMM**

Just because I have the ability to spell correctly doesn’t mean I’m a nerd HWH

**Nerd RMM**

Whatever at least you capitalize the first letter of every sentence HWH

**My phone does that automatically otherwise I wouldn’t bother RMM**

You’re dumb HWH

**You’re dumb RMM**

Whatever HWH

You better have waffles when I get there HWH

Oh hey wait HWH

I could make cookies HWH

**Fuck yes your cookies are awesome RMM**

Or I could make them at your house and we could eat them there HWH

**Yeah let’s do that RMM**

**We can watch a romantic comedy and cry together over the male lead RMM**

I hate romantic comedies HWH

They can go suck a dick HWH

**Oh yeah like that’s an insult for you anymore RMM**

What do you mean anymore HWH

**Wait you’ve always been hella gay I forgot RMM**

**For fucks sake you like to bake cookies all the time RMM**

**How did I never see it RMM**

Just because I bake doesn’t mean I’m gay you asshole HWH

I could be sucking cock instead HWH

**No no you could make dick cookies and then suck those RMM**

I’d have to frost them first HWH

Like HWH

Frost the tips slightly redder and then glaze them HWH

**Hamish that is disgusting RMM**

You’re disgusting HWH

**Yeah we already established that RMM**

**Oh my godddd are you here yet RMM**

Wait a fucking minute jesus fuck HWH

You swear a lot RMM

Hell fucking yeah I do you gotta problem HWH

**Do your parents know? RMM**

Way to go that was the first punctuation mark I’ve seen in this conversation in at least half an hour HWH

Besides like apostrophes and stuff HWH

And no I don’t swear much in front of them HWH

Why do we keep going back to my parents HWH

**You started it RMM**

I did not HWH

**You did too that was the first thing you opened the conversation with you butthole RMM**

Oh yeah HWH

**You’re a fucking nerd oh my god RMM**

Is your brother home? HWH

**What? RMM**

Alex. Is he home? HWH

**No he’s spending the night at someone’s house; I don’t know his name RMM**

Oh. HWH

**Why? RMM**

Just curious. HWH

**You’re using like punctuation and shit RMM**

**What’s up RMM**

Nothing’s up HWH

**Like hell it isn’t RMM**

I’m tired HWH

**Bullshit RMM**

The fuck you want HWH

**You’re my friend? RMM**

**Obviously something’s up RMM**

**So RMM**

**Tell me RMM**

Fuck off HWH

**Or just go suck a dick okay RMM**

Maybe I will HWH

**What is wrONG WITH YOU RMM**

I’m tired, that’s all HWH

**UUUUUUUUUUGH you’re imPOSSIBLE FINE YOU CAN HAVE WAFFLES RMM**

Maybe I’ll just stay home actually HWH

Tell Alex he can come home if he wants to I won’t bother him HWH

**What no we have awesome plans RMM**

**Ohhhhhh fuck RMM**

Really nothing’s bothering me I’m just tired HWH

**Seriously okay I think I know what’s bothering you but like I’m only about 70 something percent sure so you’re gonna have to spell it out for me so I don’t sound like a complete apple butthole RMM**

**And don’t say you’re tired RMM**

No fuck off look I’m fine HWH

**Okay RMM**

**1\. Fuck you RMM**

Rose HWH

**2\. That’s bullshit RM**

Rose what HWH

**3\. Fuck you RMM**

NO that’s my thing HWH

Piss off HWH

I’m just tired. HWH

**It’s like barely even nine RMM**

**What the fuck is wrong with you I’m trying to be a good friend tellllllll meeeeee I’ll make you a bunch of waffles and we can make cookies together and eat cookie dough and maybe get salmonella poisoning RMM**

Do you know how many calories one of those cookies has HWH

Like 823647238 HWH

**Who gives a crap about calories they’re cookies RMM**

**And they have eggs in them they’re healthy RMM**

Look thank you for being concerned but I’m fine really I’ll just listen to music for a while and I’ll feel better HWH

**Feel better why do you need to feel better did something happen did I say something tELL ME RMM**

It’s not you, for fuck’s sake okay HWH

**Just come ovER RMM**

God fINE HWH

**We can listen to ABBA to your heart’s content RMM**

**And gush about cute boys RMM**

I don’t want to gush about boys HWH

**Come on yes you do RMM**

**Particularly the dark haired ones right RMM**

What HWH

**Like RMM**

**Taller than you, short dark hair. Earrings. RMM**

The fuck you talking about HWH

**Always wears fucking tank tops seriously what is with that RMM**

ROSE HWH

ROSE WHAT ARE YOU SAYING HWH

**I KNEW IT RMM**

**YOU’VE GOT A BONER FOR MY BROTHER DON’T YOU RMM**

WHAT HWH

NO HWH

ROSE NO HWH

**Let’s eat cookies and waffles and talk about boys Hamish I know you want to RMM**

**Also I know everything about Alex so I could give you the good deets RMM**

What deets HWH

What does that even mean HWH

**Oh you know RMM**

**Things he’s allergic to so you don’t accidentally kill him when you send him tokens of your LOVE RMM**

That HWH

Would be really useful actually HWH

**See I’m a good friend RMM**

**You’re feeling better already right RMM**

Yeah okay I’ll be over soon HWH

**Ha awesome RMM**

**I can’t believe you like my brother you fucking nerd RMM**

Shut up HWH

You should be glad I’m hella gay now we can talk about boys together HWH

**I’ll miss you pointing out all the hottest girls though RMM**

What HWH

What HWH

Rose what HWH

**What RMM**

**It was useful RMM**

USEFUL HWH

I WAS MAKING IT UP HWH

**STILL RMM**

**You pointed out the hot chicks RMM**

Is this like a contest of “how many genders can I be attracted to” that you’re intent to win or something HWH

**No but if it was you would loose RMM**

1\. Fuck you HWH

2\. It’s “lose” HWH

3\. Fuck you HWH

**S e r i o u s l y RMM**

Proper grammar is important HWH

Your future girlfriends and boyfriends will appreciate it HWH

**Oh yeah like they’d give a shit RMM**

They’d give more than a shit HWH

That came out wrong HWH

**Hamish no RMM**

Do you have rolled oats HWH

**What RMM**

**Hamish what RMM**

It’s in the cookie recipe. I’m just checking you have everything before I head over HWH

**You haven’t evEN LEFT YET RMM**

DO YOU HAVE THE FUCKING ROLLED OATS HWH

**YES RMM**

GOOD HWH

I’M ON MY WAY HWH

**GOOD RMM**

**I’LL MAKE WAFFLES RMM**

FUCKING WAFFLES HWH

**HAMISH NO DON’T FUCK THE WAFFLES RMM**

What would that be called HWH

Wafflephilia HWH

**I don’t want to think about it my waffles are sacred RMM**

**Not scared. RMM**

**Sacred. RMM**

Like your cooch HWH

**Hamish what EVEN RMM**

**Yeah like I can say dick and cock whatever but what are you supposed to say on my end huh RMM**

Cooch? HWH

I don’t fucking know HWH

I mean there’s cunt but like HWH

No HWH

**Or how about RMM**

**I don’t know RMM**

**Call it a fucking vagina RMM**

Excuse you do I say the word penis HWH

**Eh fair point RMM**

**No fair there’s no alternative RMM**

I’m sticking with cooch HWH

**Ugh fine RMM**

**Not as fun to say as cock though RMM**

**Or dick RMM**

Dicks in general are just fantastic HWH

**Oh yeah RMM**

How would  you even know Rose HWH

Have you ever actually seen one what am I talking about you have an older brother yes you have HWH

**Oh yeah like you’ve ever seen a dick besides your own before RMM**

**And your parents’ RMM**

**I mean RMM**

**Fuck RMM**

ROSE NO HWH

NO HWH

**I DIDN’T MEAN IT RMM**

**YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN RMM**

I swear to god one more time and I’m not coming over HWH

**YOU STILL HAVEN’T LEFT YET RMM**

YES I LEFT I’M IN A CAB CALM THE FUCK DOWN HWH

**I AM CALM RMM**

I’M PERFECTLY CALM RMM

Rose HWH

**CALM RMM**

ROSE HWH

**WHAT RMM**

LET ME IN HWH

**Don’t you have a key RMM**

I left it at home HWH

**You left the key to my house at your place RMM**

It was on my keyring okay I just forgot it HWH

**Ugh fine RMM**

**But you forfeit half the cookies to me RMM**

Yeah yeah HWH

**And you let me win the first round of Just Dance RMM**

But I always win HWH

**Yeah exactly RMM**

Okay fine HWH

Deal HWH

**And you have to make your name Littler Jiggolo RMM**

Oh my god FINE HWH

That name is kind of growing on me, actually. HWH

**Author's Note:**

> This was based on an RP conversation I had a long time ago. I never got contact information from them, but it was an interesting few hours.


End file.
